Dream: Fear in my music

I like to write out my dreams in my journal just to go back and read later and figure out, so feel free to ignore them. This particular dream had me wake up in tears enough that I felt compelled to write about it immediately.

I don’t exactly recall how this started out, but I was convinced to go try out playing my music for some folks at a label that could help me create my album. There were a couple folks from high school there that I hadn’t seen in forever (and have no clue why they even showed up in the dream), and a few other people locally that I knew.

A lot of young girls were performing. It was very close-knit, almost like you’d picture someone’s basement lounge. They had a few amateur pieces of recording equipment there just to record all musical demonstrations for filing. Some of them sounded really beautiful, others very teeny-boppy. I was able to listen in on them and though, “Hey, maybe I’ll have a chance.”

I was very nervous though, almost like I was being judged right out the door. I’m no sure if it’s because I had my guitar with me or what, which seems like it’d be an odd reason, but there you go.

I decided to play my version of Folsom Prison by Johnny Cash because 1. He’s one of my favorite artists and 2. I thought I sounded good playing it. Immediately after I was told that it wasn’t the type of music they were looking for and that they were sorry.

I protested mainly under the pretense that they didn’t ask for a particular kind of music, I just played something I enjoyed playing and that I’ve played all types of music before. Oddly enough, after some convincing I was allowed another shot but in front of this whole “council” of judges and/or artists and/or people who have been in the “biz” a long time. Also oddly enough my old best-friend from middle school Nikki and Gwen Stefani were on the panel *boggle*.

Anyway, to sorta fit in with what I had heard earlier from girls that -did- get accepted, I completely made up a song on the fly (which I can’t do very well, btw) that went with that genre, which I think turned out really well (figures I can’t remember it now that I’ve woken up).

They each went around one by one and gave a yes or no, and their reasonings behind it. A few gave yes’s, but most seemed hesitant. The rest gave solid no’s, that I just didn’t have anything unique or any spark to offer. Which while I held my composure and thanked them all for their time and packed up my guitar to leave, was quite devastating.

As I was leaving, I woke up 😛

I don’t quite have an explanation for the dream, obviously it’s a fear of rejection or for being subpar or just plain jane. I think that’s a big issue with me, that I really -don’t- have anything unique or interesting to offer. But even moreso is not having someone willing to give me a chance.

Like with my html/css work, I never had any college training for that crap, it was all self-taught, same with my music. I never thought for a second that anyone would give me a chance to prove myself, and for a lot of years no one did. But finally my current job let me jump in head first and I’m guessing they are okay with it so far since I’ve been there 3 years (even if time constraints make me feel like I am plateauing atm).

Granted I know more html/css than I do guitar 😀

Either way, it’s a constant struggle to climb a ladder when you feel like you’re never given the skills and opportunities as other people, instead you have to do everything yourself. But honestly I sorta like it that way, having to work harder to get what I want, because I think it grows integrity, and I like the experience.

I blame watching the first half of “Ray” last night on this.