Today was my annual review at work. It went well and I got a raise, but for some reason I get ridiculously nervous before these things. Fear of losing my job I think. People keep telling me that I shouldn’t be worried about that, but I look at all the responsibilities I have now and the thought of being unemployed just scares me to death. It’s a crappy pessimistic attitude, and I’m quite aware of that. If I were just supporting myself, I wouldn’t be so worried. But because I’m taking care of my father, my emotions are so strongly attached to anything that has to do with me being the supporter.
I guess to try and put it into perspective, here is a guy who for 40 years has worked a blue-collar job, had so many people screw him over financially (especially my mother), all because he’s just a nice guy. That’s all. I feel the need to protect him because -he- feels like he’s let me down as a father because he’s on disability, couldn’t afford to send me to school, and now has to ask me for an allowance.
I can only imagine how he feels. I’m certain he feels blessed to have a daughter so determined to take care of him, but at the same time I know he feels ashamed at himself. If he didn’t have me he wouldn’t have anything. He wouldn’t have his animals, he wouldn’t have anyone relying on him, he’d just be the third wheel.
My passion is to make sure that my father never feels stupid, unneeded, alone, scared, or abandoned. And I’d cut off my right arm to make sure he never did.
I actually got into this conversation with someone not too long ago when I told them I’d never put my father in a nursing home. Even if I had to stay home and take care of him while my “supposed” future husband worked. They argued that it would be too much for me and would burn me out, drive me nuts whatever. But I honestly don’t think it would. I don’t think I would personally allow myself to have a choice.
I just respect this man above all else, even myself. If I had to put my roles as a person in order (as in, spiritual leader, co-worker, daughter, pagan, woman, mother, sister, etc), daughter would be at the top of that list always. The world is a better place because -he- is in it.
So. When someone asks me……why do you upset yourself so much and worry about losing your job so much, that’s why. All of that is what rushes through my brain anytime it’s brought up. It’s not all the time, I don’t really think about it because I’m always focusing on the task at hand. I just want my dad to feel secure and to be proud of me.
In other news, work had their annual jamboree tonight, and my father went with me. I think he was tickled to see me up there playing and singing music with folks on a microphone. My fingers are blistered but I had a really good time. Another thing I want to do is to learn to read music. I still never have and I can’t keep putting it off as something I’m gonna do eventually.
My boss told me that if I ever do a duet with someone that he absolutely wants to be up there playing with us. I thought that was kinda cool. He said I should start playing music around locally, just for fun. But not to expect to make a lot of money doing it. I don’t really want to make a lot of money doing it, nor do I want to be on some big record label. I just want to play my own music, and have people that enjoy listening to it.
When I’m up there singing and my eyes are closed (usually to remember the words) I ignore everything around me and all the people listening in. It’s a pretty magical feeling to shut out the world and just enjoy the music. That’s what I’d like to do.